LeBellend

Here we are again, more puerile gibberish crammed together in poorly constructed sentences with a level of grammatical prowess akin to a 15 year old girls text message - totes. Its one more episode of The Aldershot Woes Again - and this ones called LeBellend

Like most people the early parts of my life were taken up by childhood, an enjoyable time spent free of concern and burden. The important formative years of innocence, before the bleak futility of life crushed your spirit and the abject random chaos of existence made you scared of literally everything. As I wasn't a paranoid wreck in my early years, spending every moment contemplating my own mortality building up irrational rage against literally everything, I was able to enjoy life at face value. Now if I watch a movie or sport or anything really the adult, smug, cynical prick me ruins it by over analysis snide criticism. This means two things.

1. I will never enjoy anything new with same enthusiasm the younger me would have.This is deeply depressing.

and

2. The things that I did enthusiastically enjoy as a youth hold an incredibly special place in my heart - and as such are not to be fucked with.

However it would sadly appear that one man has made it his life's work to systematically destroy everything I loved from my kidulthood. The person I talk of is smug movie wood simulator and pub brawler Shia LeBeouf. The absolute shit.  

Now just to make you aware that usually I attempt to write ironic blogs about one thing, but which really have some sort of political or moral duality. This is just a selfish, unabridged and immature attack on a Hollywood actor I have never met and know little about.

Shia LeBeouf, has the eye's of a cat fiddler and all the humanity of a backstreet abortionist. He has an uncanny ability as an actor to have absolutely no dramatic presence yet at the same time, fill every scene he is in with a wave of horseshit so thick you could fertalise a field the size of Kent. His smug, irksome, acting style could make a corpse wince. I can only imagine it is because Hollywood has such genuine contempt for movie goers they employ LeBeouf as the go-to whenever they need an accessible every-man.

I know what you're thinking "yeah LeBeouf is a conceited prickjob, but so what, he's been a minge for years It's  bit weird you're writing this now and not years ago when he ruined Transformers and shat all over Indian Jones?" Well allow me to explain...

Transformers and Indiana Jones are monumental parts of my childhood, they are the essence of that innocent appreciation I know i will never have again. And as such, not with, are they to be fucked. To see LeBeouf stain these masterpieces with his dreadful acting and face, is an infringement of my human rights. Both movies were doomed to be awful from the off, but the reckless use of LeBeouf is salt in the wound. It is safe to say that with these movies alone, LeBeouf has fucked with more childhoods, than all the Catholic Priests and Radio One diskjockeys put together.

But despite the smarmy look of a man whose just discovered how to turn gravel into blowjobs, Shia LeBeouf isn't happy having just destroyed the movie moments of my youth. He now wants to steal the sporting moments and deliver them in his awkward charmless way, forever contaminating them with his decaying stench.

In 1995 Eric Cantona delivered an epithet of such brilliance it is still remembered as a highlight in the career of one of the greatest men to ever put foot to ball. After an incredible kung-fu kick, which if were to happen now I would condemn as a needless sense of violence, Cantona held a press conference and famously explained his actions "When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown in to the sea". Many in the media wrote this off as either pretentious bullshit or regular bullshit. But to the young me I understood what he was saying, that he was going to be himself and if others found what he left behind of interest that was not his concern or purpose. It was profound and added a layer to Cantona rare in sportsman and impacted on my young conscious. Eric Cantona: Footballer, Artist, Writer, Poet, Philosopher and Lager Salesman... a ridiculous, yet formative character, what a fucking guy.

Well, in the promotion of whatever guttershite LeBeouf has just filmed, probably a remake of Dangermouse or a Thundercats snuff movie, rather than answering questions Shia merely rolled out the "trawler" line and fucked off...  Who the hell does that simpering bag of dicks think he is?

Well, that's that then... nothing deep, nothing meaningful, just the rambling mind fart of man annoyed at an actor for acting like a bellbag... well to keep it topical - this rain, when its going end, LeBeouf's a cocking toolshed.


Woe