Cleggism

Good time to you sir, please take a seat, have a brew and lower your IQ as we once more venture in to the muddy waters of dumb, known as The Aldershot Woes Again, episode now: Cleggism.

Politics have been around for as long as their has been people, and that is anywhere between 4 to 250 thousand years depending on which theory you subscribe to. They are the activities a group uses to conduct and oppress its people, and as such are really, really important. Like crisps politics come in many flavours, and also like crisps regardless of how many flavours they come in, only two or three are ever popular.

If for some absurdly arrogant reason you think you should be telling people what to do or are conceited enough to have an opinion on the lives of others, you might want to get in to politics. Luckily for you there are many different political ethos' at your disposal, so regardless of how twisted your deluded ideals are, chances are there will be a political party for you. And to save you researching each, I have outlined a few important ones for your consideration below... you're welcome.

Conservative: Enjoy kicking puppies, money fights, spitting at foreigners, laughing at poor people, making poor people, closing mines, stealing milk from children, selling guns to cunts or fellating washington? This is the party for you.

Labour: Do you have an ambition to put up a facade of concern for the proletariat in order to secure yourself a position of power, hiding behind a veneer of decency whilst abusing those whose who you had promised to help, for your own selfish gain. Like a rapist in a clown mask.Then this is your party.

UKIP: Enjoy burning books, persecuting brown people, shooting gypsies, the phrase "I'm not racist but...", one armed salutes, the Daily Mail, goose stepping or the books of Jesus H Christ. Your choice is made.

Green: Do you have an over blown sense of your own worth, whilst simultaneously despising your own species? Do you own a dream catcher, believe in ghosts, practice homeopathy, only buy organic food, have an irrational love of dolphins, ride a bike or love being a condescending bore-cock. Then strap up your sandals, this is you all over.

There are others as well but there not so important, let's be honest Green is a stretch. So it doesn't matter which way you think you're better than people, you will find a party that supports your warped view. But the political landscape is changing all the time and as in life, old practices die out and are replaced with new ones. The circle of shite. And in this great age of voter apathy, where unless you can text your vote in to Ant & Dec, voting is for squares, a new creature has reared it's head.

Let's be honest, politics is super boring. What a snooze, a bunch of ugly men arguing about taxes and Europe. So quite rightly more and more of us are disengaging with the political process in the hope that it will all just take care of it's self. We all know we can't make a difference and we don't want to and we don't care and isn't X-Factor on or the Cube, change the channel this is shit. I watched Prime Minister's Question's once and it din't even have a "double your money" round. We all know that we'd rather pickle our minds watching BBC1's shrine to the inane, The One Show, than have to put up with the smug simpering face of a politician. So with this epidemic of political lethargy engulfing the nation, who is looking after our disenfranchised concerns, ensuring that we continue to maintain a place in power, but ultimately making absolutely no difference what-so-ever? I'll tell you who, Nick fucking Clegg, that's who.

Nick Clegg outwardly appears to be the worst human being ever. He is a man who betrayed every ideal he has ever held in order to have an important sounding job. He is a political voyeur content to spectate whilst those he surely despised politically, bare-back a country he so badly wanted to run. He is stuck in a system with people he hates, forced to go along with ideas he despises, and through it all is expected to maintain an image of serenity, like he is actually happy in this world he loathes but is powerless to change. Nick Clegg is more like you than any other politician ever. And as such has fathered a new political notion, truly representative of the growing lethargic demographic: Cleggism.

With an election looming Nick Clegg has made his feelings known that he would be happy to enter another coalition government, but with Labour next time. This way he can brilliantly continue his career as a political journeyman, like some Westminster strain of the Ebola Virus sitting dormant in a greedy host. Nick Clegg will be able to make no changes and shoulder no responsibility whilst holding an important sounding job. And isn't that all we really want in this life.

Cleggism: to participate for the sake of it, to forego any principals for the illusion of control, to put your own well being above any moral standing, making the most of a shitty system.

Nick Clegg is more like you than any other politician ever.



And that wraps up this pointless waffle about politics, god it's like Mock the Week isn't it, but with some jokes? But what was i saying with this meandering shit stream, and why was i saying it? I guess my point is we should all be interested in politics, and even though it is a disgusting filthy beast, it will only get worse the less we participate in it, so go vote kids. Oh and also that life is futile and Nick Clegg is the symptom of a populous that is encouraged to not give a fuck and go along with what it truly hates. And as such Clegg is a symbol of hatred for all of the worlds wrongs.

Woe.